The Thong Song
by mcdank
Summary: Corneo tries to swoon Cloud, when Cloud is chosen as his girl for the evening. Cloud is confused, but Aeris and Tifa come to help...or do they have their own plans for Corneo? Co-written by ThePezman; concept his.


THE THONG SONG  
  
The city of Midgar-a wonder to behold. A circular masterpiece constructed, owned, and operated by Shinra Inc. The most notable feature of the town is its plate, suspended on eight high pillars. The rich live up there, while the slums, housing the pillars, are below. However, the slums' hierarchy is not to go unrecognized. There are, of course, "big timers" down there. One of the most powerful men of the slums of Midgar, Don Corneo, controls the richest sector, Wall Market. Sellers, shopkeepers and moneymakers live here. It is no joke when someone mentions Corneo's name. However, one man, in search of answers to defeat Shinra, dares to stand up to him.  
  
"This thing right here," breathed Corneo, referring to some unknown noun, "is lettin' you know what guys talk about. You know." He paused. "The finer things in life." He chuckled.  
  
"Why the hell did I have to get stuck with him?" thought Cloud. He was careful to keep his distance from this incredible man. He couldn't understand Corneo's delusions that he was at all attractive to any gender.  
  
"Check it out," Corneo invited. "Oooooh, that dress so scandalous, and you know another nigga can't handle it."  
  
Cloud looked down at his disguise. He had been made to look pretty, but Corneo must have been so absorbed in his speech that he couldn't see the stubble on Cloud's face.  
  
"See ya shakin' that thang like who's da ish, with a look in ya eye so devilish."  
  
Cloud was beginning to become downright shocked. He hadn't shown any masculinity, but Corneo was seeing horniness where none such existed.  
  
"Ya like ta dance at all the hiphop spots, and ya cruise to the crews like connect the dots.." At this point, Corneo had jumped onto his bed and began gettin' jiggy with it.  
  
"What is this pervert talking about?" Cloud wondered. He'd never been dancing in Midgar, much less with Corneo. And he didn't even want to think about which crews Corneo thought he was cruisin' to.  
  
Corneo got on all fours and crawled on his bed toward Cloud, continuing, "Not just urban; she likes the pop, cuz she was livin' la vida loca."  
  
"What the fuck? Urban.? Is he talking about Midgar? What is 'la vida loca,' anyway? We only speak one language in our world, considering we're all caucasians (except Barret, heh)" thought Cloud to himself as Corneo began to shake his booty, apparently getting his groove on.  
  
By now, Corneo must have been hornier than a Hedgehog Pie. He was letting his tongue flop and his saliva drip all around the bed. Cloud was becoming quite agitated, and his bikini briefs were beginning to irritate his groin.  
  
"Uhh.those are some sexy words, sugar daddy!" said Cloud, trying to blend in with the mood Corneo was creating for him.  
  
Corneo was now standing on his bed, his red robe wagging every which way, revealing his hirsute buttocks flapping uncontrollably. He closed his eyes, and opened his mouth, crying, "She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck; thighs like what, what, what. Baby, move your butt, butt, butt. Uh!" He spun lazily, and his robe was starting to fall off. "I think to sing it again: She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck; thighs like what, what, what all night long. Let me see that thooooooooooooong!!!"  
  
At this, Cloud checked his undergarment to make sure he had still retained his male genitalia. Surely enough, he was not persuaded by Corneo's lewd prose. He did not have a thong, but he knew Corneo would want to see it for himself. He had, five years ago, visited his hometown, and perused Tifa's drawers to find her orthopedic underwear. Being a little curious, he tried them on, since the underwear given to him by SOLDIER had, at this point, become extremely sweaty and soiled. But his interest in feminine undergarments was cut short, as a Dragon had burned Tifa's underwear with its Flamethrower attack. Cloud was left standing half-naked upon Mt. Nibel, unsure of which hurt more: his groin or his dignity. Sephiroth chuckled incessantly, until he regained focus and slew the Dragon.then continued laughing. Corneo's mention of the word 'thong' had triggered this memory, but given the circumstances, Cloud was less than pleased to be wearing women's underwear.  
  
"I like it when the beat goes da na da na.." Corneo's unearthly words jarred him back to the here and now, unfortunately.  
  
"Good for you," Cloud muttered. He was beginning to get sick of this. Corneo could da na da na all he wanted, just as long as Cloud was left out of it.  
  
"Baby make your booty go da na da na! Girl I know you wanna show da na da na!"  
  
Cloud noticed Corneo had started using the pronoun 'you' again. This meant Corneo knew he was there, and not off in his imaginary world of cruisin' crews and da na da na.  
  
"That thong-th-thong-thong-thong!' crowed the fat man. His robe was only being held to his body by a loose knot. At this point, he undid the knot and tossed his robe away in what might have been a dramatic gesture under different circumstances. VERY different circumstances. He then, for some reason, repeated himself. "I like it when the beat goes da na da na! Baby make your booty go da na da na! Girl I know you wanna show da na da na! That thong-th-thong-thong-thong! That girl so scandalous and I know another nigga couldn't handle it. And she shakin' that thang like who's da ish, with a look in her eye so devilish!"  
  
Cloud didn't understand why Corneo had to repeat himself. He had made his point quite vividly.  
  
Yet lover-boy continued. "Uh, she likes to dance at all the hip hop spots, and she cruise to the crews like connect da dots! Not just urban; she likes the pop, cuz she was livin la vida loca!"  
  
Again with the pop and the other languages! Cloud had had enough. He pulled his wide, long, hard.. Buster sword out, and prepared to strike. At that moment, the door collapsed, and two women stepped in. Corneo was so absorbed in his 'work' at this point that he didn't even notice at first. "She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck! Thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt!"  
  
"Aeris! Tifa!" Cloud exclaimed. He rushed to their side, and if it weren't for what little dignity he had left at this point, he probably would've hidden behind them.  
  
Corneo momentarily stopped his ranting and stared at the new arrivals. He then jumped off the bed, grinned, and continued. "Uh, I think to sing it again! She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck! Thighs like what, what, what! All night long! Let me see that thooooooooooooooooooooooooong!!!"  
  
Aeris and Tifa's mouths gaped wider than Corneo's raging buttocks.  
  
"You're the two from before!" The proud owner of the aforementioned behind broke from his chanting and checked the new arrivals. "Did you come here to entertain me as well? If you wanted some of that Corneo lovin' you shoulda told me earlier!" purred the now-madly-aroused Don.  
  
"No, they most certainly did not come to entertain you!" said Cloud, as he spun around, the 360-degree rotation altering his clothes back to their normal, not-so-erotic SOLDIER uniform. Now that he was a man again, he could get some straight answers.  
  
Now surprised, and most certainly turned off, Corneo let out, "A man!? What's goin' on?"  
  
Empowered by his masculinity-despite his bikini briefs' still being on him- Cloud signaled Tifa and Aeris that some SERIOUS questioning would ensue. "I'm gonna have to use that mouth of yours to give me some information!!"  
  
" Wh-what the hell's going on?" demanded the sweaty, sex-crazed, walrus-like man.  
  
Tifa then began questioning. "Shut up, we're asking the questions now...What did your assistants find out? Talk! If you don't tell us..." She raised her foot upon the bed. "I'll smash them."  
  
"Hoo-boy! You guys are serious. I was ordered to find some info for Shinra," whimpered Don.  
  
"Who ordered you, and why? Talk.or I'll rip them off!" said a grinning Aeris.  
  
"AHH NO!! Ok, ok, ok!! It was Heidegger of Shinra Maintenance! He ordered me to find some stuff about the man with the gun-arm! He has some plans for sector 7.hehehe."  
  
"What plans?! Talk.or I'll chop them off!" said Cloud, staring the seemingly helpless Corneo in the eyes.  
  
"If I told you that.I'd be killed! Well.you know, I'm not joking around here either. Heehee. " said Corneo, growing quite confident.  
  
The trio looked puzzled. Aeris and Tifa were still shaken at what had taken place between Cloud and Don Corneo a few moments earlier. They had gotten him scared, and answers along with it, but now.what was he trying to pull?  
  
"How do you think scum like me feels when they babble on about the truth?" asked a grinning Corneo. " 'They've pretty much given up on life,' 'they're sure they'll win,' or 'they don't know what the hell's going on' "  
  
"Actually, I think you still want to see my thong," giggled Aeris.  
  
Cloud was puzzled. They wanted to get rid of this perverted crimeboss, not satisfy him. Aeris winked at Tifa, and they both knew what to do. Corneo, of course, quivered with anticipation.and Cloud was getting thoughts of his own.  
  
As they both smiled, Tifa and Aeris lifted their skirts, exposing their thongs. Cloud was as equally shocked as Corneo, never thinking he would get this kind of chance to ogle the vixens, but Corneo was literally in a daze. As Corneo sat there, smiling, Tifa began to pull her thong a little lower. Aeris took advantage of Cloud as well; she opened his pants, removed his bikini briefs and held them tightly behind her. She looked up at Cloud to inform him of what they were doing, but Cloud was still confused at what was taking place. Thoughts that weren't too far off from the ones Corneo had were raging through his mind, and they were almost as overpowering as the stench from his recently-removed bikini briefs.  
  
Cloud fainted, with his groin exposed, and his makeup dripping from his sweaty excitement. He fell with a thud, but Corneo remained fixed on Tifa. Aeris giggled slightly and looked at Tifa. They smiled knowingly at one another.  
  
Minutes later, the Don had been tied up and gagged with Cloud's bikini briefs stuck in his mouth. Cloud was still unconscious. Aeris pulled her thong up to its proper place and gave Tifa a high five. They then tried to move the seemingly intractable Cloud from his position on Don Corneo's love- sweat-saturated rug.  
  
As the tempting twosome began to leave the Don's halls with Cloud, Don Corneo was left battered, but satisfied. He had gotten to see that thong-th- thong-thong-thong! 


End file.
